We Love You!

Today! is the most perfect day! imaginable! in New York! the sky is a clear and cloudless blue! the birds chirp! a gentle breeze wafts, entirely sans that dense New-York-in-August stink of boiled poop! everyone is smiling on the subway! and we garnered a number of hostile looks from foxy ladies in our walk through the meatpacking district, which, we have finally learned after 1.01 years in the city, means we are wearing a splendid outfit! A PERFECT DAY! in fact, for sitting in a windowless fluorescent-lit box, cracked out on antihistamines and three shots of espresso, staring at a computer screen! And so! dear author-friends, inspired by the indomitable spirit of Authors Who Think the Random Deployment of Fifty-Cent Words Will Distract Us From How Deeply, Truly Awful Their Query Letter Is (our scientific analysis has shown us that this group is 47.5% young gents from Brooklyn writing "in the spirit of Bukowski," 32.5% former military operatives penning Al-Qaeda thrillers, and .007% writers whose books are actually probably pretty good but whose heads exploded with stress when they sat down to pen their queries, sending random fifty-cent words flying), we offer you this Very Special Writing Exercise!!!!!!

HERE IS YOUR MISSION, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT: Darling Author-Friends, please use the following Randomly Deployed Fifty-Cent Query Letter Words in a Paragraph. ONE paragraph. They do not have to be utilized in the order given.We will be beside ourself with excitement should you choose to share the results, and will even bestow a PRIZE upon the most creative entry, which is: our love and affection, which we don't hand out to just ANYBODY. Without further ado, here are your assigned words:


Sample: "Today I am feeling particularly BELEAGUERED," ten-year-old lit-agent WUNDERKIND Bobby Broadside mused aloud. "Though my PROFLIGATE use of the form rejection has reached an all-time height, I'm still plagued with an EXORBITANT number of queries from these TEMERARIOUS fools who think themselves both IDIOSYNCRATIC and PROVOCATIVE! Don't they know they're a dime a dozen? I'd much rather read a book about a WEREWOLF. Where are the WEREWOLF queries? WEREWOLF, WEREWOLF. Arf, arf. Speaking of which, I'm RAVENOUS! Somebody bring me a goddamn martini!"

AND! WE HAVE A WINNER! and the winner, dear author-friends, is US. For hoodwinking such a parade of GENIUSES (genii?) as yourselves into perusing the wacky little universe of our brain. We are SO PLEASED with your efforts, and have chosen to bestow our love and affection UPON YOU ALL. EXCEPT for "dollcannotfly," who is clearly "STEVE," submitting an actual query letter, which is totally not fair to the other contestants.