Confidential to Anonymous, Or: Even More Dark Secrets of Publishing, Revealed!

1. Publishing is totally controlled by gay feminists. Mmm hmm. So true. You're a white guy? Writing a thriller, you say? Give up now, Author-friend. Don't even bother. Yesterday we were all like, "Hey "Steve," we just got this email from some dude named Dan B. Patterson-Grisham? He's, like, tired of his agent? And wants you to rep him?" and "Steve" was all like, "Is it feminist? Is it gay? No? THEN GET IT OUT OF MY GODDAMN OFFICE, AND DON'T MAKE ME TELL YOU TWICE."

2. The entire publishing industry--nay! make that the entire free world!--is this VERY SECOND HURTLING TOWARD GOMORRAH. Hurtling, author-friends! Hurtling! As opposed to the Fine Days of Yore, when Mankind upheld such Lofty Artistic Ideals as slavery, public executions, burning people at the stake, and lynching, and wrote Great Timeless Art composed of extensive gay/incest jokes (Shakespeare, Marlowe), extensive lists of ladies slept with (H. Miller), extensive wildly commercial quasi-communist diatribes about the plight of the working class (Dickens), or extensive homoerotic bestiality narratives (Melville). Books now? TOTAL CRAP. Junot Diaz? Wells Tower? Tom Spanbauer? Joseph O'Neill? Edward P. Jones? POPULIST CLAPTRAP. And don't even get us STARTED on the books written by WOMEN. UGH. Women! Hate 'em! EVERYONE knows that WOMEN only get published because of AFFIRMATIVE ACTION.

Oh man, we are going to get so much shit for that Melville comment. Y'all read some Freud, and you'll be in our corner.