Dear ones! Do not send queries priority mail! Don't do it! There is no sane, competent agent in the UNIVERSE who cares if your unsolicited query is sent priority mail! It breaks the blackened and crusty wreck we call a heart to see you spend your hard-earned Author-dollars on FIVE DOLLARS OF POSTAGE FOR EVERY QUERY SENT! Which will arrive overnight and then languish quietly for a week minimum before being opened anyway! Regular stamps are fine, fine, fine! Really!

"Steve" is out of the office today! Because of blizzard! Does the assistant get to stay home because of blizzard! No the assistant does not! Neither snow nor rain nor sleet &c! The assistant cranks up the Metallica (TAKE THAT, CRETINOUS)! puts her feet up on the table! chomps her cigar*! and REJECTS! REJECTS! REJECTS! Out with your lawyers! your sexy private detectives! your tired vampire rehashes! your new-age spiritual manifestos! prison memoirs! cubicle romps! war stories! tax evasion scams! pirate porn**! something that is maybe narrated by a hedgehog but we can't exactly tell because the entire query is written in a largely illegible shade of fluorescent pink! WHY DOESN'T THIS GODDAMN OFFICE HAVE ROOM SERVICE!

*Okay, not really.

**Yep, really.