Total queries received: 537 (!!! totally a record, we are impressed, you can stop now). Requests for manuscripts: 12, as we and "Steve" were simultaneously struck by fits of generosity this month. Anthologies of "critically acclaimed fart jokes even my wife thinks their funny": 1. Queries in which author misspelled title of own book: 1 (we did not reject this person for that reason, but it did make us laugh. Not in a mean way, we swear). Queries from person who was clearly like 700 years old and did not include any contact information and now we are consumed with guilt thinking of this poor elderly gentleman awaiting a response we have no way of sending him: 1. Novels "inspired by Hemmingway": 1. Mafia thrillers: 24. Queries from a church (as in the building, not the congregation. No, we have no idea): 1. Novels featuring teenage girls engaged in various relations/tormented affections/accidental ensnarements with vampires, demons, the undead, angels, werewolves, or fairies (not like the gay kind; WE WISH WE WISH WE WISH OMG SOMEONE PLEEEEEEASE SEND US A GAY WEREWOLFS-FAIRIES NOVEL WE WILL DO A FUCKING CAPER): 64. Snail-mail query from Friend of Friend of Friend of "Steve", which relation we were unaware of, as FOFOFOS did not mention this bosom friendship in said (excruciatingly dull) query, but chose to email "Steve" separately TWO WEEKS LATER being all like "What ho, jolly chap, don't you know I've queried you?", at the same instant as we were tucking a form-rejection into his SASE and handing it off to our favorite mailperson, and then "Steve" was all like "Dearest Le R., have you seen my friend's friend's friend's query? Can you please request his ms out of that generous spirit of bonhomie which so often prevails chez nous?", and then we chased after the mailman in an unsuccessful effort to retrieve aforementioned form rejection, and then we had to compose a groveling apologetic missive to FOFOFOS being all like "HA HA SORRY STOP ABOUT MISTAKEN REJECTION STOP FROM MORONIC ASSISTANT STOP PLEASE OF COURSE SEND YOUR DELIGHTFUL NOVEL STOP", and then "Steve" read the first chapter and was all like, "Oh, this is excruciatingly dull, please reject it", and then we cried: 1. Totally bomb-ass submission letters written by Rejectionists which caused ALL ELEVEN TO THIRTEEN RECEIVING EDITORS to request "Steve" Client Novel within ONE TO THREE DAYS OF RECEIPT: TWO, thank you very much. WE TOLD YOU NOT TO FUCK WITH THE ASSISTANT.