So, we get it: people like the plateful of crack that is Twilight, including some people we love and respect, and although we were personally unable to slog through even the first book in that juggernaut (it wasn't the dreadfulness of its politics that deterred us; it's just SO. FUCKING. BORING.), as someone who has read the entire cheese-tastic and wooden Dragonlance trilogy not once but multiple times, we should not point fingers at other people's vices. However, if you even TRY and tell us Twilight is a GOOD book, we will immediately stop listening to anything you say after that, and you will deserve it. Sorry. True. We are talking about a series in which a vampire performs a Caesarean with his teeth, folks. You do not hear us arguing that Dragons of Spring Dawning is LITERATURE, hmm?

BUT! then we found THIS LIVEJOURNAL! Which possibly you have already seen, since these posts are years old, but which is the funniest goddamn thing we have come across since The Road: A Comedic Translation. Cleolinda summarizes the Twilight novels ("Twilight means never having to say you're kidding")! provides a helpful glossary! highlights Great Moments in Sparkle Motion! If the actual books were this awesome, we would totally read them! and now we don't have to! FURSPLODE!

Also very old, very funny, and very true: Top Ten Things Never to Send Your Favorite Writer, by Neil Gaiman's assistant Lorraine.

**ADDENDUM: Dear Cleolinda, if you are reading this, and would like to apply your patented treatment of excellence to the Dragonlance Chronicles, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU WOULD MAKE A LOT OF PEOPLE REALLY REALLY HAPPY. Love, The Rejectionist**