WAYNE: Hi guys! What's up! This is Wayne, from the excellent TV Show Wayne's World! And over here is Garth. Say hi, Garth!

GARTH: Hi guys! Party time! Excellent!

WAYNE: So listen, the weirdest thing happened to me this weekend! I was just gearing up for the Alice Cooper show, when I got a phone call! And there was this CRAZY LADY on the other end!

GARTH: Totally crazy!

WAYNE: Yeah, I said that already! Anyway, she kept yelling some stuff! It sounded like, I can't pick a contest winner! I can't pick one! They're all too good! And I said, Whoah, lady, you gotta calm down!

GARTH: Calm down!

WAYNE: Yeah! And she said, You have to help me! And I was like, Okay, cool!

GARTH: Cool!

WAYNE: So then she sent me all these metal lyrics! Only, they weren't, like, metal songs! Or I mean, they were like metal songs, but with different words! They were about books or something!

GARTH: Yeah, books!

WAYNE: So that was kind of weird! But even though I didn't really understand them, I could tell they were really awesome! And I was supposed to pick the best one!

GARTH: There were songs, too!

WAYNE: I was getting to that! Yeah, some people even recorded songs! That was pretty killer! This guy Tom and this other guy Rick Daley, they had some awesome covers!

GARTH: Tell them about the part where Rick Daley made the tearing paper sound effect!

WAYNE: Oh yeah, that part was cool! Then there was this really excellent duet! Who ever heard of a heavy metal duet? But this lady Lucy Woodhull, she made a really great duet!

GARTH: Yeah!

WAYNE: And there was this totally killer drop-crotch pants reference in d minus 's song!

GARTH: What's drop crotch?

WAYNE: I dunno! I bet it looks cool in New York or something, though!

GARTH: Not Milwaukee!

WAYNE: Noooooooooo, Garth. So also, this lady Kimberly Kincaid had a really good one too, there was stuff about zombies being over!

GARTH: Zombies were out in 1990!

WAYNE: I know that, Garth! Yeah, and this McCormick person even dropped a Kristeva reference!

GARTH: Who's Kristeva?

WAYNE: The author of Desire in Language: A Semiotic Approach to Literature and Art , who was heavily criticized by Gayatri Spivak, among others, for her ethnocentric feminist theory! Everybody knows that!


WAYNE: So anyway, I guess I had to pick the best one! It was hard! These people are really funny!

GARTH: Funny!

WAYNE: And people recorded songs and stuff! It was like the coolest contest I ever saw!

GARTH: Cool!

WAYNE: So then we thought there should be a battle between the finalists!

GARTH: Yeah! Like this one!

WAYNE: Excellent! But we don't have a prairie!

GARTH: No! No prairie!

WAYNE: But I wanted to help this crazy lady out! And it took me a long time, but there was this one, it had the greatest lines ever! Like this: "Like Animal Farm but set in space!" Or "if you want to write, pretend you care"!

GARTH: Man, those are pretty good. But wasn't that the Aerosmith song? Aerosmith isn't metal.


WAYNE: Well, if you make a Guns 'N Roses station on Pandora, you get Aerosmith songs.

GARTH: That's cool, then!

WAYNE: So yeah! So we picked a winner!

GARTH: It was hard!

WAYNE: And we weren't worthy! We're not worthy! But the winner is...

GARTH: The winner is...

WAYNE and GARTH: TRICERATOPHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WAYNE: So this person gets a query critique! and a book! and should email rejectionistandyourmom at to claim these items!

GARTH: But also a special prize!

WAYNE and GARTH: OF A HEAVY METAL MOTORCYCLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To the tune of "Love in an Elevator" by Aerosmith:

Workin' like a dog for the boss man
Workin' for the agency
And every single day I'm tossin'
Out toothless vampire fantasy

And it seems the more I look
The more bad queries I find
I can tell not one of these should be a book
Just from the opening lines

Pitch in an elevator
"It's like Moby Dick meets My Two Dads"
Pitch in an elevator
"Like Sixth Sense crossed with the Iliad"

This one's from a woman-hater
That one is a total bore
Rhetoricals come in later
What if you couldn't take much more?

And just when I think I'm done
Another hundred arrive
If I close my eyes and click on
Auto-reject, honey
I could be home by five

Pitch in an elevator
"Magic orphan twins are heirs to the crown"
Pitch in an elevator
"Then they're whole world is turned upside-down"

Don't use "they're," make it "their," if you want to write
Pretend you care

Pitch in an elevator
"You'll be sorry if you turn me down"

(Guitar solo)

Pitch in an elevator

"The next Dan Brown"

(Guitar solo)

Pitch in an elevator
"I call it baby's first Peyton Place"
Pitch in an elevator
"Like Animal Farm but set in space"

"Gonna be a famous author"
"Gonna be a millionaire"
Hope the lotto makes you an offer
Because I can't help you there

Gotta get your query right
It's a test that you haven't passed
Stop wasting all your time on your log line, honey
Back to writing class!

WAYNE: You can listen to Tom's song he recorded!

GARTH: And Rick Daley's, too! It's excellent!