Vengeance Is Mine, Saith the Assistant

(Morning. ASSISTANT, seated at desk, types quietly.)

PHONE: Ring! Ring!

ASSISTANT: "Steve"'s slush-crushery, Rejectionist speaking!

LADY ON PHONE: Good morning! This is Linda, enthusiastic telephone salesperson representing the Purgatorio Supreme Emporium of Extraneous Items! May I please speak to the person in charge of office storage solutions management decisions?

ASSISTANT: Um, that person is out of the office. Er, unavailable. No, actually, deceased.

LINDA: Oh! Oh dear!

(Audible turning of ASSISTANT brain-gears.)


LINDA: I'm sorry?

ASSISTANT: Yes! In the other office! The person in charge of solutions is Cretinous van Poopypants! In the next office! Mr. Poopypants would enjoy nothing more than to make office storage solutions management decisions! All day! You simply must speak to him at once!

LINDA: (Pause) Really?

ASSISTANT: YES! Mr. van Poopypants was just lamenting the dearth of office storage solutions! Just yesterday! Lamenting! In fact, you should call Mr. van Poopypants every day, at 11:32 AM, when his assistant is allowed to take a three-minute restroom break! If you call when the assistant is away from the desk you'll be sure to reach Mr. van Poopypants directly!

LINDA: (Uncertainly) Every day? Are you sure?

ASSISTANT: YES! EVERY DAY! Do you have an email newsletter?

LINDA: Why, yes! Yes we do!

ASSISTANT: Mr. van Poopypants would be ECSTATIC to receive a regular office storage solutions management newsletter! Why don't you call him at home also! And on his cell! There are so many arenas of Mr. van Poopypants' life that would be enriched by a constant influx of office storage solutions management decision opportunities!

LINDA: Oh my, you've been so helpful! I can't thank you enough!

ASSISTANT: Mr. van Poopypants will be so pleased! It's YOU who should be thanked, friend Linda!

(Joy radiates from all the corners of the earth.)