Rejectionist: DUDE, can we talk for a second about how FUCKING AMAZING Eileen Myles is? And how she understands that "a reading" involves a certain contractual obligation to "be funny and/or entertain"? And how I was sitting there, watching her read after fucking [redacted], who was unintelligible and when he WAS intelligible he was so boring and smug that I WISHED he was unintelligible, and I was so fucking ANGRY that, like [redacted] MAKES SIGNIFICANT MONEY, AS A WRITER, and EILEEN MYLES DOES NOT. And I also sort of realized that it is like personally insulting to me when dudes who are that bad and uninteresting are making a living off their work. It's, like, offensive.
Chérie: Wait a second, is it news to you that the shitty dudes who make money thing is like a personal insult to you?
Rejectionist: It sunk in when I was being ostentatiously disrespectful while [redacted] was reading and realized that I felt totally justified, because he should be punished for making money while boring me. Is that irrational? You can always tell me when I am being irrational. He did also talk at length about how hard it is to have a huge advance and have to sell out to publicists and stuff? And Eileen Myles's reading was basically a big joke about how no one will give her grant money? So there were, like, extenuating circumstances.
Chérie: Mmm hmmm. Very rational. It's normal that when finally faced with the prospect of finishing my novel, I really, really don't want to, right? That's totes normal, isn't it?
Rejectionist: Yep! Now is the part where you realize finishing the novel just means you have to deal with having finished your novel.
Chérie: I don't think I'm going to like this part very much.
Rejectionist: Just promise me if I do get a big advance and ever write something about how hard it is to be successful you will come and stab me? Thanks.
Chérie: I think it would be very difficult for me to bring myself to stab you. When I finish with these line edits, is it okay for me to engage in the completely narcissistic exercise of drafting the acknowledgements?
Rejectionist: I drafted my acknowledgments before I started the book so that seems fine to me. It it a little embarrassing how many times I have listened to the Eddie Vedder soundtrack for Into the Wild this week OH MY GOD, PEARL JAM HAS THE SET LISTS FOR EVERY SHOW I SAW ON THEIR WEBSITE
Chérie: OH HOW CHÉRIE LOVED THAT SONG "ANIMAL" ALSO "DISSIDENT" I RECALL FINDING QUITE MOVING AS WELL Remember when people waved lighters at shows instead of their cell phones?
Rejectionist: O THE DAYS OF OUR YOUTH, HOW WE WEEP AT THEIR PASSING He really does have a sort of magical voice, although he left Beth Liebling, who is amazing, for a swimsuit model fifteen years his junior? So "moving" might alas just be "secretly I'm kind of a douche."
Chérie: I still remember quotes from interviews he did in the nineties where he would say things like "Without Beth I would be a nothing man, like a kite without a string," which is actually a line I think I stole and put in my novel? Incidentally there is like this firm line of demarcation in the oeuvre of the Old 97s where after writing all these amazing hard-luck story songs, Rhett Miller married a model and tried making pop songs about being happy and it was awful. Now he writes songs that are so obviously some smug dude trying to recapture miseries of the past because he knows that's what the audience wants. I guess my point is at least Eddie Vedder is still making some good music? WHY DO THEY ALL HAVE TO WANT MODELS WHY WHY WHY
Rejectionist: I remember seeing Hovercraft as a tiny tot and thinking that that was the most perfect evocation of love imaginable. It is a little hard to forgive him. Chris Cornell also left the lady who made his career for a model, but he seems pretty stupid in real life so for some reason I find it less displeasing. Thank god Kurt died before we had to see him with, like, Katy Perry. But seriously HOW COULD YOU WALK AWAY FROM THAT, DUDE
Chérie: How did she get her hair so gloriously purple? It must have taken many jars of manic panic CHÉRIE REMEMBERS HELPING HER COLLEGE LOVE BLEACH AND DYE HIS MOHAWK PURPLE IT WAS SO ROMANTIC GOD HOW DID WE END UP CHEATING ON EACH OTHER
Rejectionist: Here is where I tell you about the blog we are going to start that is us writing a present-day teen vampire novel where the vampire is Kurt Cobain.
Chérie: But he is a kind of gross and balding vampire with yellow teeth from years of poor dental hygiene? Who attempts to woo teenage girls who don't give a shit about him because grunge is so over?
Rejectionist: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HE LOOKS JUST THE SAME HE IS STILL BEAUTIFUL AND MISUNDERSTOOD
Chérie: HAHAHAHHAHAHA CHÉRIE SEES SHE HAS TOUCHED A NERVE