An Open Letter to the Editors of the Wall Street Journal

To be frank, sirs, it is not of late to the Wall Street Journal we turn when our interest is cutting-edge journalism, and you must admit that you have developed rather a reputation for link-baiting editorials of dubious repute. We are a bit skeptical of your financial reporting, given that you are owned by a megalomaniacal right-wing billionaire--which, sirs, does call your objectivity into question to a certain extent. We do not bother so much with your opinions on Young Adult Literature, given that most of you seem to have last acquainted yourselves with a Young Adult sometime in the nineteenth century--and surely, sirs, you might recognize that editorials conflating "homosexuality" with "cutting," "rape," "drug abuse," and "suicide" are a bit behind the times (what's that you say? The kids are reading The Hunger Games and immediately running out to fornicate in the streets whilst injecting methamphetamine? THE HORROR, GET THEM OFF OUR LAWN). In short, respected sirs, we do not often pay attention to the Wall Street Journal.

To-day, that has changed. THIS item in to-day's opinion page, sirs, is AN OUTRAGE:

"...and the tea-party Hobbits could return to Middle Earth having defeated Mordor."

An outrage! you protest; indeed, Rejectionist, that is a bold charge! And yet! let us examine, sirs, the nature of Hobbits:

Hobbits are an unobtrusive but very ancient people, more numerous formerly than they are today; for they love peace and quiet and good tilled earth: a well-ordered and well-farmed countryside was their favourite haunt. ...

... At no time had Hobbits of any kind been warlike, and they had never fought among themselves. ...Nonetheless, ease and peace had still left this people curiously tough. They were, if it came to it, difficult to daunt or kill; and they were, perhaps, so unwearyingly fond of good things not least because they could, when put to it, do without them, and could survive rough handling by grief, foe, or weather in a way that astonished those who did not know them well and looked no further than their bellies and their well-fed faces. [emphasis Rejectionist's]

Although, sirs, it is true that Hobbits "liked to have books filled with things that they already knew, set out fair and square with no contradictions," there is in fact no mention of Hobbits enjoying "making shit up and then repeating it ad nauseam, about for example the responsible parties related to the federal deficit or the natal origins of the President, which of course has NOTHING TO DO with the fact that he is black, just that he is 'different.'" You will note, additionally, that the quoted passage does not include "think poor people should just fuck off and die rather than have access to healthcare," "fascist bigots," "Islamophobic," "think global warming is a vast conspiracy launched by Al Gore for uncertain reasons, probably Communism," "have literally no understanding of basic economics," "hate women," "hate people of color," and/or "hate queer people."

Why is that, you ask? Because, sirs, unlike the Tea Party, Hobbits DON'T FUCKING SUCK. Hobbits are resourceful! They are kind! They are generous, with the possible exception of the Sackville-Bagginses! They don't blame other people for their own miserable sex-hating fear-mongering lives (again, with the possible exception of the Sackville-Bagginses)! They don't hijack national debates with their batshit "politics" and we do use that term "politics" generously! If you give a Hobbit a job, that Hobbit will get the fucking job done, even if the job is "go on a suicide mission into the SCARIEST FORTRESS IN EXISTENCE probably you will DIE but the whole world is depending on you so come on buddy"! Does, say, Sarah Palin really suggest to you "a person who would gallantly attempt a Terrifying Quest just because she cared a whole bunch about her friends"? NOT SO MUCH, SIRS, NOT SO MUCH.

Who is getting cozy behind the gates of Mordor, sirs, really? Let this humble Rejectionist gently remind you that it was Sauron who supported Saruman's forest-obliterating warmongering bonanza, Sauron who launched unjustified wars on multiple fronts, Sauron who desired to tear apart the Shire and smite all goodness in the world! The Hobbits are some chill homies, sirs, and there is nary a chill homie amongst the Tea Party, you can bet your low-rent journalism degrees on that! If you're not going to bother to read the books you reference, perhaps you might keep to alienating the young-adult community--a niche you seem to have cornered quite nicely--and leave the analogies to those of us who have at least a passing familiarity with the literatures to which we refer.

Tea Party Hobbits? No, sirs, we don't think so. Those motherfuckers are Orcs all the way.