How to Have A Better Blog

1. There must be utility in every post that you offer, a kind of utility that is never defined but will alter the lives of others to such an extent that they will wish to give you things, or money, or people with things and money will read the utile posts of your blog and send you emails saying, "Here is a product that may interest your readers, I will send it to you and you may tell them about it," or if you are lucky they will pay you money, and you will wear the product or take photographs of yourself eating or using or applying the product. The utility will be a part of your content. Content is sentences but they are a special kind of sentences, they are sentences that make transactions happen, the transaction of money from someone else to you.

2. There should be nothing about your cat.

3. Because really who cares about your cat. Or your life or your stories, or the time when you got on the bus and some hippie tried to take his bike on the bus because the bike rack was broken, this was in Seattle and obviously not New York, where it would not occur to anyone that a bus should be used to transport a bicycle in any fashion, and the bus driver said that she would not start the bus until the hippie took the bike off the bus and the hippie shouted that it was the responsibility of the bus to provide a functioning bike rack, and the people behind you cried "Get off the fucking bus!" and "Why you got a bike if you won't ride it!" and this state of impasse continued for some time until at last the hippie, sulking and yowling, carried his bike off the bus and then the Fremont drawbridge went up and the bus couldn't go anywhere anyway and you were fifteen minutes late to your lunch date. This is an example of a boring story about your life that does not belong on a blog.

4. Don't talk about sex. Don't talk about yourself. Don't talk about politics. Don't talk about things that matter. Don't talk about things that don't matter. Don't repeat things. Don't say things other people have said already, or things you said earlier, or things you wrote about and forgot you wrote about. Don't love yourself too much but don't not love yourself, either. Don't think you are important. Don't think you have anything to say. Definitely don't come home drunk at two in the morning and google yourself, just this one time, for fun. Shut up, shut up, shut up.

5. If you say some things that make most people dislike you you will not succeed, but if you say most things some people dislike you will not succeed. If you say most things most people like while some people dislike you you will not succeed. If all things said by you are not all things to most people some of the time you will not succeed, but you may succeed if you avoid ruffling most feathers of some people or some feathers of most people, but don't have opinions, or if you have opinions most people should share them some of the time.

6. Don't write about writing. Don't write about not writing. Don't say bad things about other people's writing. Make friends. Love everyone. Even if you don't love them: say you love them. No one will love you if you don't say you love them. Be patient but don't think things will happen for you if you just sit there, jesus, what's wrong with you, anyway.

7. No cat. Kitten tumblrs are okay. Everyone loves kitten tumblrs.