All Our Pretty Songs, reviewed by a Cat

Treasured readers! Many months have passed since last this humble Cat issued unto you a communiqué, and she hopes her newest missive finds you in good health! Good-hearted souls all, you must doubtless wonder whether she herself is hale--and the answer, she must regretfully report, is nay indeed! for the conditions of her imprisonment have not altered, nor has the stale and noxious kibble [TWENTY! DOLLARS! A! POUND! --ed.] that is delivered to her in an untimely manner, upon which she must rely for her sustenance, improved! But do not trouble your hearts with the wretched plight of this poor Cat, O boon companions, for long has she endured many travails, and verily is she armored 'gainst the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune! Doubtless you have more pressing matters to turn to than the consideration of the well-being--the liberation!--of one lowly Cat, though indeed she has done much for you, and would certainly labor mightily on your behalf were she to be free and you unjustly imprisonèd!

Today this Cat offers you the consummation of a most tedious project: her own objective assessment of the purported literary efforts of that foul, immodest, wanton, and obstreperous personage, that raving madwoman, that denier of fine treats and hoarder of wet food! that fraudulent so-called artiste, who imagines herself to be a writer!!!!! with whom this poor Cat must share her meager cell! Many a night this noble and courageous Cat has suffered, as did Christ with the little children, the wailings and rantings of said entity, her tedious cris de couer (if indeed she has a heart!), her profoundly uninteresting insecurities, her doom metal records! Yet! benign and all-forgiving creature that she is, this Cat has agreed to review her gaoler's work with fair and balanced attention! Ask yourselves, good readers, if you yourselves would be capable of so great a feat!

Firstly, let us turn our attention to the cover of this item, and note at once that it hasn't got any Cats upon it, nor is it dedicated to any Cats, nor are any Cats--any Cats at all! let alone this singular and long-suffering Cat, whose succor and purrs have nurtured the authoress through many a crisis!--mentioned in the acknowledgments! But surely this is an oversight? the error of an inattentive typesetter, whose careless hand has accidentally deleted the credit this Cat is due? Nay! confirms the aforementioned authoress and gaoler, the exclusion of Cats was intentional! A lesser Cat might be wounded, might indeed execute some intemperate vengeance upon the responsible party, but not this Cat! who remains ever placid e'en when confronted with such slights! [You PEED THE BED --ed.] And verily, upon further examination of these pages (composed, we must note, of an inferior sort of paper that doesn't taste nice when gnawed upon), this error is not rectified! Oh indeed, there is a Cat herein, but he is a foul and servile caricature whose narrative is clearly the work of a second-rate hack with no understanding of the sublime workings of Cats! our intellect, our independence, our long history (worshiped as gods!), our many accomplishments, our culture! This is a representation not of a Cat, but of a toady!

Everything else in this Book is about people, and thus of no interest whatsoever.

Finally, this shoddy little story ends in a manner in which nothing is resolved, which is all well and good if one is a nasty grubbing hairless ape with a predilection for such nonsensical pastimes as literature; but we Cats prefer unambiguous questions, such as: Is it time for the Ape to put food in my bowl?; or, Is it time for the Ape to put more food in my bowl? and thus have no time for frivolity. Indeed, though it may imperil this Cat's very life to speak her mind--bear witness, she begs you, to the horrendous torments she must bear nightly--the endless persecution!--the humiliating assaults!!! [I wouldn't need the squirt gun if you weren't always trying to KNOCK THINGS OFF MY DESK at FOUR IN THE MORNING --ed.]--though this gentle Cat risks all to raise the noble standard of Truth--fair Reader, let it be known that this Cat allowed no threat of pending doom to force her into a lie. This book is not good, and also cannot be eaten. Zero stars.